I’m Crying Because I’m Mad at Myself

Sobs leaked out of the play tent my then-3-year-old grandson commandeered as his sleeping quarters for Grandma camp. I peeked in.

“Hey Buddy, I love you. Why are your crying? Because I said you earned a consequence for disobeying?”

“No,” he moaned out. “I’m crying because I’m mad at myself!”

Fifteen minutes earlier I gave both my grandsons a ten minute warning that we would stop playing and get ready for bed. Then I gave a five minute warning. Finally I said, “OK. Our time is up. Let’s pick up the toys so we don’t trip on them, then head up to bed. “

The five year old started picking up toys, and the three year old kept playing. I tried encouraging him while I helped pick up toys near him, but he put his head down and stayed put. Several minutes, and several tries later, I told him what the consequence would be if he didn’t obey. He stayed put. As I stood up he dashed for the bedroom and into the tent where I found him crying.

Can you relate? Do you sometimes beat yourself up because you did something you’re not proud of? Maybe you let angry words escape that hurt someone. Maybe the words didn’t come out, but your heart became bitter inside. Maybe you gave in to a moral temptation.

May I be so bold as to say we sometimes sin. And then we have a horrible feeling we can’t get rid of. Maybe we even pray for forgiveness, but can’t even forgive ourselves. We wonder if God hates us, or is at least mad at us, and we berate ourselves internally.

When I have those questions/thoughts I like to look at David’s story in 2 Samuel 11 and 12. You’ve likely heard it before, but if you’re like me you need frequent reminders of God’s mercy and forgiveness. And if you have never heard, let me tell you and you can read it for yourself as well.

David majorly blew it. First he knowingly committed adultery with Uriah’s wife, who became pregnant. Uriah had been sent off to war, where David should have been. To cover up his sin, David called for Uriah to come to the palace on the ruse of reporting on the war status. Then he sent Uriah home where David assumed he would sleep with his wife and no one would know the baby wasn’t Uriah’s. However, Uriah felt that to sleep in his own bed with his own wife would betray his fellow soldiers who slept in tents. So he slept at the entrance to the palace with David’s servants. David added to his sin. He ordered Uriah’s murder.

Next two significant events happened.

1. Nathan the prophet confronted David about his sin and relayed the consequences God said would befall David because of that sin. David didn’t argue or try to hid his wrong doing. He immediately agreed, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan assured David of God’s forgiveness.
2. One of the consequences fell on the son Uriah’s wife bore to David. The baby became ill and died. During the seven day illness David fasted and prayed for the child. When he died, David washed, changed clothes and went to the house of the Lord to worship. Then he went home and ate.

Notice two important facts here. First. God forgave David when he genuinely repented (agreed and turned away from the sin). Second. David forgave himself after the baby died.

God’s description of David years later makes me weep as I realize God’s mercy. He call David a man after God’s own heart. Not that God condones the adultery and murder. But He saw David’s heart – a heart that authentically desired to love God above all else.

Listen to that heart in Psalm 51:1-4, 7-12- written after Nathan confronted him.

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions (sins). For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions and my sin is always before me.Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.

Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean. Wash me and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.”

David’s response models what God desires for us when we sin. Acknowledge our sin, ask forgiveness, then receive forgiveness and freedom from guilt.

And my grandson? As we continued talking his tears and words showed his true repentance. His little heart grieved over his actions. I crawled in the tent with him and held him in my arms until he fell into a contented sleep knowing his Grandma loved him and forgave him.

In that same way, may we each receive God’s love and forgiveness and may we forgive ourselves.